posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
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Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
My inexpensive home security system…
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off