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That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
welcome back
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes