Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
time machine? you mean a clock?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.