They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
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And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.