doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
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Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”