-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
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must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.