“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
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[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
#Caturday
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”