[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
You Might Also Like
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
This meal prepping shit is easy
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey