Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
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I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Taliband
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child