What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Bike for sale
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated