If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
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Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast