Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
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Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Breaking news:
Camping tip: No.