friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW