Every work meeting this week
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If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Morning my dudes.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
mathematically impossible
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending