Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
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The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
This is why I hate group projects
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Sorry not sorry.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
sir, my pâté if you please
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.