mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
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[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer