Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Happy Halloween 🎃
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Guantanamo Bae
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
LOL!