*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Twitter fine art
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
We like the way Dwight thinks
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.