Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
October already? What’s next? November????