That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.