Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
You Might Also Like
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*