Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon