Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
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*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.