pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.