Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
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I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts