great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?