Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
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Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them