“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
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NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do