My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
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Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still