When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?