Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
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Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I think my mom just blocked me
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.