Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.