me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Why is no one talking about this?!
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me