“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
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I need this for my side hustle.
bought wrong eggs
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe