“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
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Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA