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I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone