My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…