Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Pot warmers of the day.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”