I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
incredible
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football