If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
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Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality