I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
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People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Fries, not lies.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.