She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
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Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Peace was never an option
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Uh oh…
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.