I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Meth is short for Elizameth.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Best spoiler warning ever
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”