It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
groan^2
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
c’mon!
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.