Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
You Might Also Like
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining