Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
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Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible