I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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hamburger doesn’t need your help.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.