Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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This is my brand.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.