Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.