My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
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If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?